Dear Captain Redbeard,
My son just turned 16. I know he's starting to like girls, but recently I found an unwrapped condom under his bed. How should I handle this?

Sincerely,
Desperate Mom

Dear Desperate Mom,
Well... you know my motto "condoms yo, yeah fuck 'em." *cough* Alright I'm thinkin' now, lets see... too many in the house, where can I sleep?

-the Captain

Dear Captain Redbeard,
I recently cheated on my husband, and I've noticed that I've been developing rashes ever since. My husband is now scratching too. What can I tell him happened without jepordizing our marriage?

Help Please,
In Trouble

Dear In Trouble,
Hmm... well, lets see... I need to be sitting at that fucking thing. This is silly, its going nowhere. *puts on a Disclose record* Kill Him.

-*cough* the Captain

Dear Captain Redbeard,
I just found $200 in my wife's purse, along with a hotel key and a book of matches with a phone number on it. Should I confront her?

Angry

Dear Angry,
Hmm... hmm well uh yeah you know, take the money. Light the house on fire with the matches.

-the Captain

Dear Captain Redbeard,
I promised my wife that I would quit smoking tobacco. I haven't been able to stop and I feel guilty because my wife has been trying so hard to help me. I feel disgusted. How can I seriously kick this habit and save face?

Smoking for Answers

Dear Smoking,
Give ALL your smokes to me. That was an easy one.

-the Captain

Dear Captain Redbeard,
I am married and the father of two beautiful girls. But thats the problem. I've been noticing my younger daughter and I've been thinking about stuff that I just shouldn't think about. Am I a bad father, or is this natural?

Yours truly,
Hot for Tots

Dear Hot,
You're sick, kill yourself. *cough* And I know some of you are expecting me to say 'send me their phone numbers first' but I don't want your silly daughters, I don't want your white-panty girls.